Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
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If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Fluff me with a fork baby
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you