Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
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Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”