Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
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Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
This a good idea
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Ooh I do like a good funnel