Not today, today.
Not today.
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I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Found my door mat
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
you will never know the true number of layers
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
incredible book dedication
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”