Not today
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I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.