Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
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Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.