Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
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Expect the unexporcupine.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.