@jasonmustian

“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook

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@WetMascara

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

@OpenClassMX

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

@bruinsphan_24

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

@DemetriMartin

The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.

@theshantilly

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

@sucittaM

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

@Matt_The_1st

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

@GrantTanaka

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

@SteveSuckington

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

@Donna_McCoy

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)