@jasonmustian

“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook

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@HMittelmark

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

@hipchkk

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

@AndyShulk

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

@Kyle_Raney

Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

@mrjohndarby

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

@joshcomers

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?