@WetMascara I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
@jasonmustian “Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
You Might Also Like
@WetMascara 
@OpenClassMX If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
@bruinsphan_24 *jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
@DemetriMartin The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
@theshantilly I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
@sucittaM If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
@Matt_The_1st I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
@GrantTanaka cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
@SteveSuckington “Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
@Donna_McCoy [first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)