@adamgreattweet thanksgiving in nutshell
@jasonmustian “Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
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@adamgreattweet 
@TweetToTheVoid2 Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
@HMittelmark I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
@hipchkk In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
@AndyShulk When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
@Kyle_Raney Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
@StainsQueen Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
@mrjohndarby waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
@joshcomers MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
@XplodingUnicorn Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?