“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook

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I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then


In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.


When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.


Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one


waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal


MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.


Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?