Not with that attitude
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Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
he was correct
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.