Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
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When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.