Note to self: I am a note
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*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
they finally got him. they got macavity
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Can’t stop laughing
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.