Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
You Might Also Like
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Worst Native American name ever.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I just ran a .003048K
Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation