Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
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“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going