Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
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Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her