Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

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All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.


me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening


The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot


Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….


If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”


The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…


I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.


“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.


Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.