@weinerdog4life All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
@weinerdog4life Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
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@weinerdog4life 
@Browtweaten me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
@IamEnidColeslaw who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
@mayamanion The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
@SavageDabs69 Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
@themorris23 If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
@Token_Geezer The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
@SteveSuckington I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
@LeonEarlgrey “Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.