Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
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I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!