@weinerdog4life

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

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@weinerdog4life

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

@Browtweaten

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

@mayamanion

The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot

@SavageDabs69

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….

@themorris23

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

@Token_Geezer

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…

@SteveSuckington

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

@LeonEarlgrey

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.