@weinerdog4life

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

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@mommajessiec

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

@ArfMeasures

GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good

@DothTheDoth

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

@omswarth

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

@HomeProbably

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

@pleatedjeans

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

@Thelazyemperor

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.