Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
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Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.