Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
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I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.