Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
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The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
A duv-egg? In this economy?
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.