Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
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A choir of Spring onions
I have a black belt in leather
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”