Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
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that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women