“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
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If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right