@Spaced_Cowboy00

Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.

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@GrantTanaka

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

@TheToddWilliams

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

@ChrisHallbeck

An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.

@Vice_Queen

My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.

@Area51eh

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

@AbbyHasIssues

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

@wittwitbarista

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

@TheTweetOfGod

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

@Thynebear

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*