Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
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Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Facebook memories be like
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
me and who
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?