Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
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i did the math
This could be us, but you weedin’.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT