Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes
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Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Go hard or stay average
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
the council will decide your fate
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
