Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
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You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …