Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want.

Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

Me: 5, 4, 3..

Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”

Me: 2, 1, 0

Kid 1 {Scream crying}

Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”

Friend: “Oh.”

maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]

Thug: This is an arm robbery!

Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?

Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope

Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.