Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
You Might Also Like
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: thatâs right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* itâs fine
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Menâs 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure iâm game.
me: oh then you probably shouldnât come.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Dudes named Chance never had one.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I donât want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests thereâs something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did đđ¤Ł
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background âaccidentallyâ so women know they can afford eggs.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEAÂŽ furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. Thatâs stupid; donât do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’llâ [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Dennyâs] Iâm gonna kill him.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.