Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
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when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Duck typos.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please