@causticbob I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
@TheRolo Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
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@causticbob 
@_TayTayJustine Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
@therepoguy “Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
@SteveKoehler22 Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
@XplodingUnicorn 4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
@Contwixt The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
@Boleyngirly I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
@DeepDarkFear If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
@hollywood_95_69 Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
@basic_afbitch As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself