@TheRolo

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

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@causticbob

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

@_TayTayJustine

Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.

@therepoguy

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

@SteveKoehler22

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

@Contwixt

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

@Boleyngirly

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

@DeepDarkFear

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

@basic_afbitch

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself