Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
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King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
getting corrected
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.