@TheRealPhalguy 16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
@SmartassChef Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
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@TheRealPhalguy 
@SteveKoehler22 Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
@QwertyJones3 Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
@English_Channel I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
@Stellacopter Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
@AnOrangeSNES [Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
@kitkova Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
@mablazarus Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
@joeljeffrey [buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
@BlindChow Pat is about to own someone
