Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

You Might Also Like


16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.


Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.


Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.


I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”


Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.


[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.


Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!


Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.


[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.