Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
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Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it