@SmartassChef

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

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@TheRealPhalguy

16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.

@SteveKoehler22

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.

@QwertyJones3

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

@English_Channel

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

@Stellacopter

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.

@AnOrangeSNES

[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.

@kitkova

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

@mablazarus

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

@joeljeffrey

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.