Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
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My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.