@Cornjerker78

Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.

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@demented_Ash

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

@iRowlf

Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.

@Fred_Delicious

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

@TheAlexNevil

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

@shanethevein

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

@GrantTanaka

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

@slimmy_shady

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

@JermHimselfish

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.