Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
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My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
So glad we cleared that up
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.