(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
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doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up