Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.

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(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u


doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great


Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.


My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.


What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.


If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.


My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.


ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy


I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married


[zombie apocalypse]

Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up