Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
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Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks