Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
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What have you done…馃悎馃惥馃ゴ
Sound On..馃攰馃啓
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
How To Avoid Dating
鈼廦ou’re too young for me.
鈼廔’m too young for you.
鈼廔 don’t date men my age.
鈼廜kay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he鈥檚 talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she鈥檚 actually wearing makeup.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
date: i want a good listener
superman: 馃檪
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 馃檪
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 馃檪
date: wait what the hell
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that鈥檚 still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that鈥檚 fair
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don鈥檛 want to.
Me: Me either, that鈥檚 why I鈥檓 telling you to do it.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I鈥檓 flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED