Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
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i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
just gave your address to some spiders
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS