Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
You Might Also Like
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha