Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
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recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
starting a garage orchestra
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.