Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
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sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Great Canadian literature.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
This is my emotional support knife.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo