Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
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don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.