nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
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How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.