Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Hey I worked for it too!
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Morning.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting