Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
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You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.