@OhMisterUnicorn

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

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@FSUSteve

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

@daviddeweil

“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.

@LostFelicia

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

@Spaziotwat

Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!

@squirrel74wkgn

[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…

@jordan_stratton

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

@NickBossRoss

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

@abbycohenwl

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

@Merman_Melville

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

@gobmentcheese

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.