Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
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Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.