Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
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[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
happy valentine’s day to me
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Time heals everything 🙂
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*