Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
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“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?