Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
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25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
i will not be silenced
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.