Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
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Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
You鈥檙e following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 馃槓
ME (from beyond): 馃榿
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I’m not stressed
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor鈥檚 problem since 1977.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
YouTuber: Yo what鈥檚 up it鈥檚 your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton