nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
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*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana