Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

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“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.


At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.


I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over


*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*


If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?


23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?


*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter


*pulls pants up


*forgets to poop


If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.


*first day as an insurance salesman*

Customer: Can I get a quote?

Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰

Customer: …

Me: …

Customer: …

Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.