Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
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Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.