Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
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Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.